8 months has passed and i am surprised i'm willing to come back to this space. maybe because i didn't expect my life to turn out the way it has been, but either way i have to thank God for everything that has occured.

i have stayed away from writing, for a really long time. i miss it so much, because it's a much easier task than telling people how i feel. i don't like to talk about feelings, but i end up doing so anyway

sometimes i question how well do i know myself, why do i let myself get so hurt, vulnerable and fragile. i look back and i realised i'm still the same old girl who cries over the simplest things, be it happy or sad. It used to be a positive thing, though. because it meant i actually feel, and express.


nowadays it gets tiring till the point i rather dwell in what to eat, what time do i wake up, where do i go to study today. i had so much fun in this year, i forgot what it felt like to feel.

it's amazing how people change, things change, and look we're all grown up. now Ooi even has the ability to treat me to an expensive meal and absorb the whole cost, coz well, he's earning bucks.

Maybe my heart is restless because i feel more lost than ever. and i can never put it to words, or show anyone that. there's so many things people will never understand about me because i'm different and to the point i hate that about myself.

God has given me several experiences this year - both good and bad, things that made me cry but brought me closer to him, happiness beyond happiness yet so many obstacles blocking my path.

sometimes it gets so tough i wanna go hide under the covers of my bed and never come out. i'd like a tortise shell once in a while.

what goes on in my brain, i don't know. i simply know my heart hurts sometimes and i can't ease it by myself. i dont want to be carried away in jc, i want to find people that i will love forever, and i think i already have. Yet, it seems so much easier if i were to pen everything down, that writing is a form of release, a refuge where i could let words flow endlessly and not speak at all.

i find it painful sometimes that i could place my heart on my sleeve so easily, if i let you take it, you'd be able do anything with it. then again, i trust selectively.

I don't know if i am tired or not, i just wish you could hug me to sleep and tell me my burdens are yours too. but i'll deal with it.


life is tough but i am going to be happy

i wish i had cried tears of joy. maybe that feeling would've been the best thing i've ever had in my entire life. but i didn't.

i don't feel anymore.

when i had such intimate relationships, thats when i cried. it's a familiar, intangible feeling that drives you insane, yet affirms that you have this deep connection to someone else.

maybe this entire year, or maybe 6 months, i lost it. focusing on your books, and not well, people seemed like a forced duty initially, then a routine, and finally, an ingrained mindset.

perhaps O levels killed my personality, changed me for the worst or better, i don't know. but i miss writing like this, writing like there's no tomorrow, writing as though my heavy heart is unable to bear it any longer.

i look ahead and i see a vague vision of what i want to do, who i want to be, who i want to keep or share it with. i don't think life is all about smiling and having fun. it's something bigger, greater and worthwhile rather than throwing it all away with outings and glam, so to speak.

maybe i'm wrong, again, but i've seen the nasty facades of people, the superficial smiles plastered, and i question. who is real, and who is not.

i really, don't want to bother or care. which is probably the reason who i hardly feel. those intimacies are all gone, the past 2 years i've tried so hard to be more than a friend, someone that another can lean on. but just as it is, life is unfair. i think it's really pretty for two people to fall in love. or be best friends, i don't know. to have your emotions dependent on another for survival, has both its perks and its flaws, but all the same, i see it as a gem.

call me sentimental, whatever, but if i could find that feeling again, i would. even if it means getting too emotionally intertwined, i know i've someone to lean on and vice versa. yet i know it'll never happen, not sometime soon anyway, with jc and all. woah im already assuming i'm going to a JC. sianz. that's another story. don't wanna talk about o levels.

i'll always miss you somewhere deep within.

Clara said:
so much for bursting my bubble of excitement
its not just a bubble
it has excitement in it

olivia says:
HAHAHA oh clara
you study too much

omg ):

i wish i were pretty

I'm blogging in the midst of my prelims, woah oh. this is an effect of how drained i am from studying. it was like i was on a roll the past few weeks, months whatever. and Now it's gone and i just wanna sleep leh.

I also want to go out.

The above mentioned seems too far-fetched for me haha going out is like zzzzz impossible. i mean like okay, meet after schl for a while but currently, i'm aching for more. (sounds like a suggestive connotation lolz)

I JUST AM TIRED EVERY WEEK THE ONLY PLACE I GO IS CHURCH AND I AM A HERMIT NOW HELLO I CAN'T EVEN STEP OUT OF THE HOUSE TO MAKE MYSEL FEEL BETTER.

on a brighter note, prelims unofficially ending in two days time!!! OMG YAYZ and then the prospect of physics paper 1 scheduled for next thursday makes me sadder since there's officially one more week. BUT NO I SHALL NOT LET IT GET ME DOWN BECAUSE I WANT TO GO OUT AND PLAY I HATE NOT PLAYING AT ALL.

NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT OF PLAYING I TELL YOU (with the exception of sims 3 haahahaaha ok besides the point)

Darn just look at the post, i'm turning lunatic.

Things i wanna do:
1. dye my hair
2. curl my hair
3. pierce more earholes ahaha
4. buy more contacts (since my disgusting ones are expired for 3 months heheeh)
5. buy more clothes :(
6. SELL MY CLOTHES
7. GET IPHONE 4 AHAHHA
8. LEARN A NEW INSTRUMENT
9. tune my piano
10. EARN MONEY ^_^ <----- don't you just love the emoticon
11. get a free dslr heheehe (coming soon, baby)

with that, i shall indulge in melancholy as i proceed to study now.

well look at that, IT'S A HAPPY POST.

a year ago, she told me she'd hold my hand, she'd share my burdens.

thinking about it gives me bittersweet memories, literally. to a certain extent, i'm happy she was a part of my life, a friend that brought me warmth. now all i can is wish the best to her and pray God'll bless her plentifully.

It was a pleasant time, i'll forever cherish the moments we had, because it had and will be a part of me forever.

You always have been a big part of my heart.