Sometimes i despise myself for being such a complete fool. I shed tears over your worthless being and it's a wonder that you'll never know. You rather go with the new than be in with the old. I'm tired. I'm tired of waiting for you to stop disappointing me and to realize how many people you're losing because of your insensitivity. The insurmountable grief you've caused me is probably a tenfold compared to what you've heard from me. It's fine. I was never good enough for you anyway. Not a good enough best friend, not a good enough person to talk to, not a good enough friend to love. If it means for me to everything to stop, i will let go even when it's the most fucking difficult thing to do - to give up the friendship.

When she said the exact same things about them, i identified with the pain. So i let myself feel all there is required after half a year. But i'm not like her. Maybe it will take 10 prayer journals before i feel at ease and the ability to accept all that has occured will arrive at an ending point. Perhaps all that pain will never be forgotten, but rather buried deep within. And maybe, just maybe, she had cried so much about all of you that she decided to forgive. But for me? I cared so much about you it ripped me apart. Sometimes or another, i put you before myself but never reveal it. Because why would i? To you, it seems taboo to care too much for you because you'll never love me as much as someone who knew better.

Ditching me hurts like fuck, but carry on with your lives. Even if it means being left behind, i accept it. I'll curl up tightly and cry till my heart aches excruciatingly, but i'll accept it.

but sometimes i wish you'd know the magnitude of the injury.
but sometimes i wish you'd turn around and just, hug me, to make all go away.

wishes never come true do they.