i don't feel anymore.

when i had such intimate relationships, thats when i cried. it's a familiar, intangible feeling that drives you insane, yet affirms that you have this deep connection to someone else.

maybe this entire year, or maybe 6 months, i lost it. focusing on your books, and not well, people seemed like a forced duty initially, then a routine, and finally, an ingrained mindset.

perhaps O levels killed my personality, changed me for the worst or better, i don't know. but i miss writing like this, writing like there's no tomorrow, writing as though my heavy heart is unable to bear it any longer.

i look ahead and i see a vague vision of what i want to do, who i want to be, who i want to keep or share it with. i don't think life is all about smiling and having fun. it's something bigger, greater and worthwhile rather than throwing it all away with outings and glam, so to speak.

maybe i'm wrong, again, but i've seen the nasty facades of people, the superficial smiles plastered, and i question. who is real, and who is not.

i really, don't want to bother or care. which is probably the reason who i hardly feel. those intimacies are all gone, the past 2 years i've tried so hard to be more than a friend, someone that another can lean on. but just as it is, life is unfair. i think it's really pretty for two people to fall in love. or be best friends, i don't know. to have your emotions dependent on another for survival, has both its perks and its flaws, but all the same, i see it as a gem.

call me sentimental, whatever, but if i could find that feeling again, i would. even if it means getting too emotionally intertwined, i know i've someone to lean on and vice versa. yet i know it'll never happen, not sometime soon anyway, with jc and all. woah im already assuming i'm going to a JC. sianz. that's another story. don't wanna talk about o levels.

i'll always miss you somewhere deep within.